cillianhelps:

• [MSG:] I just audibly asked myself if I wanted to masturbate. And then audibly agreed.
• [MSG:] Normal people don’t sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours…
• [MSG:] Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
• [MSG:] Don’t worry about my [family member]. S/He just hates you because you’re [description], not because we’re fucking.
• [MSG:] What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers.
• [MSG:] I should have listened to my dad and Mean Girls… If you have sex you’ll get pregnant and die.
• [MSG:] Well, fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
• [MSG:] I just folded my boss’s underwear, and I ain’t a maid. I need a drink and a raise.
• [MSG:] I can’t remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
• [MSG:] I’m fucking your [family member] right now. 
• [MSG:] DIBS ON THE NEW GUY. 
• [MSG:] All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I’m not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
• [MSG:] If I banged a coworker last night but didn’t enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
• [MSG:] NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS.
• [MSG:] I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
• [MSG:] It happened again…
• [MSG:] Broke up with my married coworker… work is gonna get weird.
• [MSG:] I’m banned from the zoo.
• [MSG:] Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
• [MSG:] I’M WEARING A FLAG.
• [MSG:] You left your shoes at my place but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.
• [MSG:] His internet history had “Disney Porn” on it.
• [MSG:] Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn’t even gay until five minutes ago..
• [MSG:] She said, “I don’t really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me” and I don’t remember anything after that.
• [MSG:] Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex.
• [MSG:] It’s like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here.
  
• [MSG:] What’s the worst that could happen? I’m already broke and my leg’s already broken.
• [MSG:] And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don’t act like I don’t do anything.
• [MSG:] I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious.
• [MSG:] Even my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser can’t make last night disappear.
• [MSG:] I was like, “um, that’s my butthole.”
• [MSG:] I don’t know how else to say this, but I think you’re a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I’ll be happier.
• [MSG:] Their flight hasn’t even left yet and the ‘buy food to keep yourself alive’ budget is gone on tequila.
• [MSG:] Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you.
• [MSG:] I’m sensing a Yuletide blowjob in your future and by future I mean tomorrow.
• [MSG:] There’s a naked man in my car right now.
  
• [MSG:] I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker…
• [MSG:] He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn’t have a test at 8am. It’s really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
• [MSG:] I’m going on a new diet. It’s called the “eat healthy otherwise boys won’t want to have sex with your fat ass” diet. Wish me luck.
• [MSG:] As long as you’re naked and covered in glow paint, I’m there.
• [MSG:] Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I’ve dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
• [MSG:] I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man, I love being a lesbian.
• [MSG:] Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
• [MSG:] He’s a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
  
• [MSG:] I would feel bad that’s he’s locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
• [MSG:] This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
• [MSG:] So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
• [MSG:] Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
• [MSG:] You owe me a new pair of boots, bitch.
• [MSG:] Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman ever.
• [MSG:] I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.